and just because Karen likes this song:

Just Because I Fuckin Can:

WE HAVE A MYSTERY CHALLENGER! Given the fact that we will have three winners in the next round of the NHBOEVUFT (the Nuvvy, for short) one of our winners will square off against a mystery opponent, who is so fearsome, so terrible, that he hasn't been matched in 12 centuries of the tournament. We had thought he was dead, but he's back, and yearning for sweet sweet blood. Please guess in the comments who our mystery challenger is!

The No-Holds Barred Open-Entry Villain Ultimate Fighting Tournament!

Results from Round 1

Godzilla vs. the White Witch of Narnia
Location: Tokyo

Results: Despite seeming to be an even match-up, and the bookies breaking evenly for both sides, the match went easily to the White Witch, who froze Tokyo, thus sending Godzilla into hibernation. Match to White Witch, fighting Blackwolf of Scortch, next round.

Dracula vs. Baron Harkonnen
Location: Detroit, Michigan

Results: Primarily an aerial battle, dracula wins by a hair once he located Harkonnen's Heart plug. Feasted for days upon "that floating fat man." Match to Dracula, fighting Cthulhu, next round.

The Nothing (cf. Neverending Story) vs. The Joker
Location: Arkham Asylum

Results: Joker by a hair. Renames the princess "Farttits" and reestablished her Kingdom. Inexplicable use of Boxing mits on springs. Match to the Joker, fighting generic bad guy played by Malcolm McDowell, next round.

Cthulhu vs. General Jack D. Ripper
Location: Palm Springs

Results: General Ripper made a great start, using his nuclear arsenal as well as could be expected. Cthulhu, who dreams of destruction, though was unphased. Ripper kills self after Cthulhu tricks him into drinking a vodka tonic. Match to Cthulhu, fighting Dracula, next round.

Roy Batty vs. generic Villain played by Malcolm McDowell
Location: 2019

Results: Despite holding the upper hand for numerous rounds, in the end McDowell prevailed, merely outlasting Batty, who was finished off with numerous blows from a ceramic penis. Match is being investigated for being rigged, however until the investigation is complete, results will be assumed to be legitimate. Match to McDowell, fighting the Joker next round.

Blackwolf of Scortch vs. Paris Hilton
Location: Arkansas

Results: Blackwolf had the upper hand from the first bell, bringing a (to Ms. Hilton) distracting fake Vuitton handbag into the ring. Proceeded to light Paris on fire, then quench with own urine. The applause was outstanding. Match to Blackwolf, who will fight the White Witch of Narnia, next round.


Thank you for paying attention, and all bets can be placed through this website right here.

I'm pretty fuckin excited for my vacation. A week away from the store . . . a week in the sun, doing something somewhat physically and mentally strenuous in some of the most beautiful sailing waters on earth.

Yeah, I know. You were talking to Scott. Well, not really talking. See you've got these boobs, right, and this nice ass, and so really you can as much talk to scott as negotiate with the guy whose gun is pointed at your head. You are, as they say, in his headlights. You look quizzical when he calls you a cat to someone else, and you don't even know yet how lost you really are, because fifteen minutes in you're already amazed at the number of foreign robot porn movies this guy has seen, he's even told you about his low-camera-angle-plus-hellman's mise-en-scene thesis, and you're just totally balled over by this tall & handsome, by this sexdork. Then he starts talking about fucking and you're probably gone. Three hours, three days later your knees are shaking and you don't know if you were tussling in bed with a man or the tokyo bullet train; the answer is both. You wanna talk about feelings? That's what I'm here for, cause you aren't goin to get anything but mayo-fuck--fuck from bullitt, from the man with the plan glinting out from D&G glasses. You wanna talk about how you feel ? I know how you feel, let's talk about it. Tell me about your childhood and all the movies you are embarassed to say you like. Tell me about your last vacation and how your dad met your mom. I'll listen, oh I'll listen just to you, like no one even existed. You know the funny thing, though? I'm still just fucking you with my eyes.


Two shots soco, two red wines. Two shots Jack, two guinness. Two unupdated blogs, two drunken rides through Somerville. One friend who pukes like a viking. Sometimes I'm so damn grateful that I live the life I have, and befriend the people I do.