The No-Holds Barred Open-Entry Villain Ultimate Fighting Tournament!

Results from Round 1

Godzilla vs. the White Witch of Narnia
Location: Tokyo

Results: Despite seeming to be an even match-up, and the bookies breaking evenly for both sides, the match went easily to the White Witch, who froze Tokyo, thus sending Godzilla into hibernation. Match to White Witch, fighting Blackwolf of Scortch, next round.

Dracula vs. Baron Harkonnen
Location: Detroit, Michigan

Results: Primarily an aerial battle, dracula wins by a hair once he located Harkonnen's Heart plug. Feasted for days upon "that floating fat man." Match to Dracula, fighting Cthulhu, next round.

The Nothing (cf. Neverending Story) vs. The Joker
Location: Arkham Asylum

Results: Joker by a hair. Renames the princess "Farttits" and reestablished her Kingdom. Inexplicable use of Boxing mits on springs. Match to the Joker, fighting generic bad guy played by Malcolm McDowell, next round.

Cthulhu vs. General Jack D. Ripper
Location: Palm Springs

Results: General Ripper made a great start, using his nuclear arsenal as well as could be expected. Cthulhu, who dreams of destruction, though was unphased. Ripper kills self after Cthulhu tricks him into drinking a vodka tonic. Match to Cthulhu, fighting Dracula, next round.

Roy Batty vs. generic Villain played by Malcolm McDowell
Location: 2019

Results: Despite holding the upper hand for numerous rounds, in the end McDowell prevailed, merely outlasting Batty, who was finished off with numerous blows from a ceramic penis. Match is being investigated for being rigged, however until the investigation is complete, results will be assumed to be legitimate. Match to McDowell, fighting the Joker next round.

Blackwolf of Scortch vs. Paris Hilton
Location: Arkansas

Results: Blackwolf had the upper hand from the first bell, bringing a (to Ms. Hilton) distracting fake Vuitton handbag into the ring. Proceeded to light Paris on fire, then quench with own urine. The applause was outstanding. Match to Blackwolf, who will fight the White Witch of Narnia, next round.


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