It's been a while

while my own light flickers

Things are building up steam; events are piling up and I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Aaron would be 32 today. Happy birthday. For my own part, I tried to do nothing special, tried to avoid dramatizing the event, tried to feel nothing but ordinary. I went to work, early as it was, and talked to meghan on my way. We're moving in together and I'm scared shitless. But really, how many options do I have at this point?

Work went by and suddenly kynthia was there and I had my Pynchon book handy and we sat, and then we went to look at an apartment she's thinking of moving into. By nightfall I was exhausted. I headed home. On the drive, I kept changing the radio station, looking for something to distract me. Marshfield came up and the salt marsh air blanketed the highway, the smell of beach and the mild drizzle. Etc.

I got home and felt more alone than I have in years. So much for feeling ordinary.

10 years. A decade older and nothing to show for it but wagered hopes and misplaced dreams, waystations along a pointless drive towards mediocrity, losing interest in even the most vivid things, I repeat myself more often now.

don't try and hold nothing.