How to be a Successful Dictator of a Small, Impoverished Nation

Step 1. Aim to take power with a bloodless coup. This is the mercedes of taking power. Being elected is the Buick.

Step 2. Don't stifle dissent, encourage it, using big fat checks. By subsidizing dissent, you relieve the pressure of the mob's dissatisfaction, while never taking your hands off the wheel (or yoke, or whip). Imagine if Bob Sagat didn't have Uncle Jessie under his roof: his little girls would run riot. By keeping an Uncle Jessie on payroll, you create fifth column, which is my favourite column of all.

Step 3. Giving yourself an impressive title just shows what an amature you are. Seriously, if you're the CIA, who are you going to target, the Supreme President for Life, or Vice Minister of Doughnuts? Ministers of Doughnuts never find themselves on a playing card.

Step 4. Pick a country that the industrialized west has a big problem with, then swear a vendetta with them. Worked for Saddam in the eighties.

Step 5. Protest loudly and often at the UN about imperial westeners. Claim the US is withholding doughnuts from your virtuous little republic.

Step 6. Accept bribe by US to simple vacate your post and retire on a small island. Check your tea before drinking it, though.

Step 7. Don't build huge statues of yourself, it will just let the shock troops know exactly what you look like. Or do build statues, but of Bob Sagat. While Full House is an excellent allegory for running a successful dictatorship, Funniest Home Videos is suck.